


Dipper, You're Drunk. Go Home.

by HiramForMayor



Category: Gravity Falls, Over the Garden Wall (Cartoon)
Genre: Alcohol, Declarations Of Love, Fluff, M/M, dipper attempting poetry, drunk dipper, emotional babies i s2g, first chapter can be read as a one shot :3, pinescone, really bad pickup lines
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-15 18:28:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7233802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiramForMayor/pseuds/HiramForMayor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dipper is a stubborn drunk who refuses to put on his seat belt after getting kicked out of a night club. Wirt is not happy about this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hi, Dipper and Wirt are both at least 21 in this stupid dialogue-heavy fic I wrote to appease my Pinescone trash heart. There's a bit in here that's taken from a dialogue from OTGW, not my words.
> 
> Also huge thanks to [Shadowolven](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowolven/pseuds/Shadowolven) for helping me edit and pushing me to actually post this lol.

“Dipper! Please, babe, don’t make me tell you again. You know I’ll just put it on for you if you’re too intoxicated to do it yourself.” Wirt reached over to grab the seatbelt on Dipper’s side of the car, but he blocked his advances with his body and began to giggle like it was a game. 

“You sound like my mom, Wirt. I’m not even that drunk, I’m fine!” Seatbelts were uncomfortable and restraining; Dipper just wanted to curl up in a more comfortable position than sitting completely upright in the front seat now that the dizzying effects of alcohol were kicking in.

Wirt pulled back and scolded his reluctant boyfriend. “Babe, you tried to take off my pants in the middle of the dance floor. I think you were  _ definitely _ done drinking for the night.”

Wirt had come to the nightclub to pick up Dipper after Mabel had frantically called him…something about wanting to keep dancing with someone she met there, but Dipper was too drunk to stay for much longer. After finally finding Dipper, looking alarmingly hot in much more dressy nightclub attire, likely at Mabel’s request, he was reluctantly led onto the dance floor. The dancing was more stumbling to the beat for Wirt (uncoordinated) and Dipper (drunk), but they enjoyed the intimacy among the otherwise chaotic crowd. Wirt was about to ask Dipper if he was ready to go home when Dipper reached up to take Wirt’s face in both hands, messily pressing their lips and tongues together. It was much more public than Wirt was usually comfortable with, but the atmosphere of the club and dancing with Dipper had him feeling more bold than usual as he returned the kiss with enthusiasm. That is, until Dipper’s hands found their way down his body to start loosening Wirt’s pants buckle. Wirt cringed a bit as he recounted the events from that night in his head. “I still can’t believe you did that. My first time at the club and I get kicked out!”

“How am I supposed to control myself around you when you’re wearing jeans that tight!” Dipper wagged a finger at his boyfriend accusingly, biting his lip as he remembered how wound up dancing with Wirt got him. “Getting kicked out was definitely  _ your  _ fault mister...sexy...pants.”

Wirt took one look at Dipper’s alcohol-flushed face waggling his eyebrows at him and just couldn’t stay mad. “I wear these pants all the time Dip, the alcohol is messing with your vision of me, clearly,” he laughed in reply. “Anyways, we got kicked out because of what happened  _ after  _ you tried publically undressing me. So it’s not  _ really _ my fault.” Wirt had been so shocked at Dipper’s daring hands that he had jerked away from the kiss, accidentally sending Dipper’s barely-balanced self straight into the floor. The bouncers at the club were not happy.

“Oh, but I definitely want to jump on you in public all the time, babe,” Dipper grabbed the car’s cupholder to support himself as he leaned over to teasingly lick at Wirt’s neck. “Those pants are very…  _ becoming _ on you. If I were on you,  _ I’d be coming too. _ ”

“Mmm… someone’s got a dirty mouth tonight… ” Despite the crude pick up line, Wirt whimpered at the unexpected attention to his neck. Right as Wirt began to seriously consider the pros and cons of car sex, Dipper’s hand slipped, sending him crashing down against his boyfriend’s chest and into his lap, nearly hitting his head on the steering wheel.  _ Okay, so no car sex. Too dangerous. _ “Whoa okay, Dipper, we’ll have plenty of time for that once we get your seat belt on and get you home.” He took in a sharp breath as Dipper started to press his face into and kiss the crotch of his jeans instead of sitting back up.  _ Oh my god.  _ “Dipper, come on let’s get up now.” Wirt gently and reluctantly pushed his clearly horny boyfriend upright until he leaned onto the inside of the car door. He reached over to put his seatbelt on for him, but Dipper squirmed away from the belt.

“Dipper! Seatbelt!”

“Ugh, but I’m tired! I just want to lie down.”

“You can still do that with your seatbelt on Dipper! You can put your seatbelt on and then lean the car seat back and--”

“But it’s so uncomfortable! And we live so close to here! Why are you always nagging me about things like this Wirt? Can you please relax a little bit.” Dipper curled into a ball on the seat with his head tucked against the door, avoiding the scrutiny of his boyfriend.

Wirt pressed his lips together. He knew he worried a lot. If he could just turn off the feeling like a switch, he would, but it doesn’t work like that for him. He hated when people told him to just  _ relax _ , like it was the easiest thing in the world to do, but he ignored the biting comment from Dipper, figuring he was just being a defiant drunk. “I’m not driving us home until you put your seatbelt on. Properly. Across your shoulder, not just your lap.”

“Wirt this really isn’t such a big deal,” Dipper whined, continuing to contort his form into an impossible-to-buckle ball, wanting to just get home already so he could continue kissing his boyfriend.

“Dipper, do you understand what could happen if we get into an accident and--”

Frustrated, tired, and nauseated, Dipper had had enough of the nagging from his boyfriend and snapped. “Stop! Just stop fucking worrying so much! You’re always worrying about every little thing, Wirt, and we would have been home by now if you weren’t always so busy worrying about things that  _ don’t matter _ like this!”

Wirt froze up in shock and went quiet, trying to figure out what to say in response as the hurtful words washed over him. Dipper knew Wirt struggled with anxiety but he had never been anything but supportive of Wirt and his shortcomings. He tried to remind himself that Dipper was just  _ really  _ drunk.

“Dipper,  _ you  _ matter. If anything ever happened to you, I wouldn’t… I can’t… I… ” Wirt began to wonder if being drunk really just brings out the truth. Maybe Dipper was growing sick of dealing with the paranoia and anxiety attacks. Despite his efforts to stay in control of his emotions, tears welled up in his eyes as his throat continued to choke out words. “I know… I know I freak out over little things but it’s l-late at night and other p-people have been drinking and you never know what could happen and I--” His words began to falter as he struggled to keep himself from fully crying.  _ Why am I making this such a big deal? Why can’t I just stop freaking out over little things like this? _ “Dipper, p-please just put it on. I need you to be safe. Because I-- I--… ”  _ Because I love you.  _ Wirt wanted to say it because he felt it so much in that moment, but stopped. He didn’t want his first time saying it to Dipper to be a result of his own pathetic anxiety.

Even in his drunken stupor, Dipper immediately regretted the harsh words said to Wirt the moment they left his mouth. He knew firsthand the hold anxiety has on Wirt and how having people tell him to just _relax_ makes him feel even worse. He felt even more awful after hearing Wirt’s response and unfurled his weary body to glance at him. Even in the darkness of the car, he saw the tears glistening down Wirt’s beautiful face and felt the guilt burn even deeper into his gut. He immediately sat up to gingerly hold Wirt’s face in his hands, hoping he wouldn’t turn away from his gaze. He couldn’t figure out what to say, so he just said _everything._

“Wirt… oh my god, Wirt, I am so sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t mean that at all. I’m being such a dick. I never wanted to make you cry and…” Dipper cursed to himself as guilty tears began to well up in his eyes. Dipper’s shoulders began to shake with sobs and apologies as his guilt and love for Wirt came bursting through his fumbling words. He reached his arms around Wirt, pressing his face into his neck to try to quiet and tame the sobs. Wirt immediately reached around Dipper, holding him as closely as he could in the cramped car, and rested his cheek against the soft brown curls. He offered soothing strokes along his back and waited; despite all of the tears and gasping breaths, he sensed Dipper wasn’t quite done talking yet.

“I’m so sorry for being so stubborn, I’ll put my seatbelt on and… I never thought about it that way but now that you have me thinking about it, I know that I wouldn’t want you to risk not wearing your seatbelt either.” The words were coming out as fast and chaotic, a trainwreck of emotions. “It’s so important that you care about the little things Wirt. You’re always there for me when I feel like… when I feel like everything is going wrong and my world is closing in on me. You’re always there. I take for granted how deeply you care about me and I’m sorry I don’t take better care of myself.”

Dipper’s mind began to race with memories from the past three years since he met Wirt, showing him love in the little details: a firm squeeze to his hand during anxiety, a pillow underneath his back during intimacy, a gentle kiss to his birthmark during insecurity. “I love that you care about these little things. I love everything about you. I love you, Wirt.” The ramble came to a screeching halt as he realized the weight of the last four words he had said. He refused to look up from his hold on Wirt, too afraid of Wirt’s reaction to his impulsive, drunken confession wrapped up in apology.

The concern over seatbelt safety and car accident statistics and the honesty of drunken outbursts suspended as Wirt took in Dipper’s words. All he could feel and think about was Dipper: his warmth beneath Wirt’s fingertips, his heaving breaths against his neck, tickling curls beneath his nose. Dipper was always so patient and understanding, never treating him like the broken person he sometimes felt like or like a child with a burdensome habit to break. His heart burned with an ache to see Dipper’s face, to look into his eyes and hope Dipper could see all that Wirt feels about him, everything that even the most powerful and succinct poetry wouldn't be able to describe.

“God! Fuck, I am so sorry. Drunk in a car in some shitty parking lot was really not how I wanted to say that for the first time! I know I am really drunk but I mean it. I love you. I love you so much.” Dipper’s breathing began to slow down as he sank further into Wirt’s embrace. “I wanted it to be more…romantic…when I told you for the first time. Because that’s what you deserve…I love you.”

_ Love _ . One word. It didn’t feel like enough to convey the oceans of meaning Dipper brought to Wirt’s life, but hearing Dipper say it to him felt like an  _ awakening _ . Like the chaotic and disorienting world suddenly shifted into calm focus.  _ He loves me too.  _ Wirt gently pried Dipper’s face out of his neck so that he could look at his boyfriend’s eyes in disbelief as his heart began to beat out of his chest. “You love me, Dip?”

“God, of course, Wirt. I love you. I love all of you.” Dipper laced his hands into Wirt’s hair. “I have for a while now… like I said… I was waiting for a really romantic moment or something like during a real date, just the two of us, maybe under the stars or something more… you know… poetic and cute, like you! But--”

Dipper didn’t get to finish his drunken ramble as Wirt pressed his lips to Dipper’s mouth, gently caressing his lips until he reciprocated. Wirt’s fingers curled into Dipper’s shirt as he deepened the kiss, the lingering taste of booze still present as he licked into his mouth, but more buzzed by the feel of his boyfriend so close to him. Fingers tugged lightly at Wirt’s hair and both began to feel overwhelmed with requited love and desire. After a few more sweet moments, Wirt pulled away to breathe out everything he felt in a few simple words, hoping it’d somehow be enough. “I love you too, Dipper.”  

Still breathless from the kiss, Dipper looked up to see Wirt’s freshly kissed lips hanging apart with eyes wide and staring. He offered Wirt a reassuring smile. “I was really hoping that’s what you meant when you interrupted my train of thought there.” He began to kiss the remaining tears off Wirt’s face and wiped the smeared drops from his own. “God, I’m an emotional drunk, sorry. And an asshole. And clumsy. Forgive me?”

“Yeah, of course babe. It’s a little hard not to when you admit to being in love with me so…” Wirt pecked him on the cheek. “And I know you didn’t mean it.” Another kiss on the cheek. “Well, I know you mean you love me, I mean you didn’t mean the mean stuff… Uhhh. Sorry, that was confusing.” Dipper just chuckled as Wirt pressed another kiss to the tip of his nose. “Sometimes I feel like I’m just like a boat upon a winding river, twisting toward an endless black sea...further and further drifting away from where I want to be.” Letting out a soft sigh, Wirt touched their foreheads together and waited for Dipper to meet his eyes before whispering. “And you…are the lighthouse beckoning me. Illuminating the way without judgement...only perfect clarity.”

Dipper immediately felt like his heart was going to beat straight out of his chest as he stared into Wirt’s eyes, feeling the weight of each word he crafted. “Well... I think you’re more beautiful than the stars  _ and _ the moon. Hopefully, my beautiful Wirt takes me to bed soon?” Dipper flushed in embarrassment at his attempted, but still wagged his eyebrows at Wirt suggestively. “I can write you poems too.” Keeping his eyes on Wirt’s, he smiled and pulled away from the embrace to grab onto his seat belt and pull it over his chest, fumbling with the buckle for a bit before Wirt laughed and buckled it for him. “Or at least, I tried,” Dipper giggled, shrugging his shoulders.

“You are  _ so _ drunk, Dip!” Wirt teased.

“I’m not _that_ drunk, I’m just _intoxicated_ _by you!_ ” Dipper replied with a lascivious wink, sliding down the seat until his knees hit the glove box.

Wirt couldn’t hold back his laughter at that one. “Oh my god! Let’s go home, babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why is Dipper such a moody butthead here idk.
> 
> I actually really hate this whole thing but I have like three out of four chapters completed so I might as well finish it out :'( Will post the other chapters when I'm done editing them.
> 
> The last chapter is supposed to be explicit but who knows if I'll actually get there :o I'll update the rating if it does end up happening.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's like 1:45 AM please let me know if there are any gross errors in grammar/punctuation/etc. 
> 
> Also thanks for reading :')

Dipper fell fast asleep against the headrest of the car shortly after Wirt pulled out of the parking lot and began driving home. Once Wirt parked in the visitor parking spot at Dipper’s complex, he got out to open Dipper’s door and ease him from his peaceful slumber. “We’re here, babe.” His boyfriend mumbled and groaned, but stumbled out of the car and into Wirt’s arms nonetheless.

“Mmm… dizzy. Probably should not have had that last tequila shot.” Dipper looked up at Wirt as he smiled and fumbled with his keys to lock his car. “God, your face is pretty, Wirt. Your nose and your cheekbones are so  _ high  _ and  _ regal  _ like…like a prince…a gnome prince.”

“What? Why am I gnome prince? I’m way taller than you, Dip.” Wirt snickered and bent down to nuzzle his hair and prove his point.

“Because you’d be a really, really cute gnome. Like, has anyone ever told you how  _ fucking _ cute you are?” 

Wirt blushed and smiled down at Dipper. “Nope, never. You’re the very first, Dip.” He wrapped his arm around Dipper’s shoulder and placed Dipper’s arm around his waist. “You think you can manage walking up to your apartment, babe?”

“People are so dumb! They can’t recognize true art when they see it! You’re gorgeous!” He leaned into Wirt for support as he stumbled along the sidewalk. “Your face is so pretty I just want…to put my face…on your face.”

“I'm...amenable to that." He paused in their stumble towards Dipper's apartment to lift up his boyfriend's face and kiss him softly. "Your charms have been truly developing as this night goes on.” 

Dipper flushed and pouted when Wirt pulled away. “Your face is distracting me from remembering all the great pick up lines I was going to use on you tonight.” Wirt couldn’t help but give in at Dipper’s drunken flirtations, no matter how silly they were starting to get. After how long they've been dating, he found it immensely endearing that Dipper still wooed Wirt. 

After a short struggle with getting Dipper up to the third floor, they finally made it to the front door of Dipper’s apartment. “Do you have your keys, babe?” 

“Yeah, want to grab them from my pockets?” Dipper teased and winked at Wirt, pressing closer into him in a way that wasn’t subtle at all. “Maybe you’ll find the  _ key to my heart. _ ” 

“Well, if you insist.” Wirt laughed and tried not to cringe at the corny line as he gently searched Dipper’s pocket’s for his keys, definitely  _ not _ lingering when his hands slid into the back pockets of his jeans. Dipper took this as an invitation to grab Wirt’s ass in return and grind his very apparent erection into Wirt’s leg.  Not before letting out an embarrassing moan, Wirt finally fished out the keys from Dipper’s front pocket and let them both inside the apartment. He swung the door closed, reached up to hang the keys on the hook by the door, and abruptly dropped them instead as Dipper pushed him into the wall, ambushing his neck with frantic kisses and bites while balancing precariously on his toes to rock his hips into Wirt’s. “Mmmm...fuck...Dipper!” He reluctantly pulled his boyfriend off and ran his hands through his curls. Dipper’s petulant and lustful gaze alone had blood rushing to Wirt’s lower body. “Let’s get you into the bed first if we’re going to do this while you’re nearly shit-faced drunk, okay?” 

“No, no, Wirt.” Dipper pushed past Wirt’s arms to press up against his neck again. The cursing only egged Dipper on more; Wirt only cussed when he was inexplicably turned on. “I need you now, please. I’ve been wanting you all night. I love you,” he muttered as he continued the assault on his neck and began to unbutton Wirt’s shirt.

“Ah…god…okay, Dipper, hold onto me.” Figuring there was no use in reasoning any further with Dipper at this point, Wirt bent down to grab Dipper behind his thighs and lifted, letting Dipper hold onto him by his shoulders and kiss his hair as he carried him into his bedroom. 

Wirt laid Dipper against the sheets and let him get comfortable as he finished unbuttoning his shirt, letting it slide off his shoulders. Wirt climbed onto the bed and above Dipper to kiss him, but Dipper playfully wrestled his way to straddling Wirt’s hips, grinding their groins together in a desperate and erratic rhythm. Dipper lowered himself to press his body against Wirt’s, chest-to-chest, as he whispered into Wirt’s neck in between licks and nips. “Wirt, you love me too right? Please tell me you love me too… ”  

Wirt's hands found Dippers and squeezed tightly. “I love you too, Dipper. I love you so much.” Wirt threw his head back and gasped, trying not to think about how marked up his neck must be from all the attention from Dipper in that night alone. “Fuck...I’ve loved you for so long, Dipper. I love you more than anything. I love everything about you. I--” Wirt paused in confusion as he felt Dipper's body go limp on top of him, his breathing going from heavy pants to light, easy breaths. He glanced down at his drunk boyfriend and realized that he had completely passed out, leaving Wirt shirtless and uncomfortably hard against a still fully-clothed, sleeping Dipper.

“God damnit, Dipper.” Wirt laughed and gently released Dipper's hands before kicking up the comforter at the end of the bed as he willed his erection to retreat. They could try again in the morning if Dipper wasn’t too hung over, but Wirt was happy to settle for wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and whispering sweetly into his ear.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Wirt.


End file.
